Spoiler, we all die in the end.

When doctors tell you that you have cancer that is incurable and that will kill you, your world just stops. Terminal Cancer. All of a sudden, your hearing fades out and your heartbeat becomes a drumbeat pounding in your head. It’s all you can feel or hear. And for a moment, it feels like the world has frozen, like someone has pressed the pause button on the remote of life. And when you finally realize that you have stopped breathing at some point, your brain reminds you that air is necessary to survive, so you take a deep breath in and life is moving in fast forward while you are struggling to catch up. It takes a lot to eventually come to terms with your own mortality.

I have been struggling for months to deal with the fact that I am dying. I can hold out hope and keep a positive outlook as much as possible, but at the end of the day, my body is failing me. I can’t do what I used to. Things that were simple as recently as a year ago are now things that require hours or days of rest to prepare physically and mentally. Bone pain stops me in my tracks. Digestive issues have messed with my taste buds. But I remember what it felt like to not be sick. To be ‘normal’, for lack of a better term. And I find myself trying to control my life in order to get back to ‘normal’ or as close as I possibly can.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of things that we can’t control in our lives. We cannot control illnesses. We cannot control the actions of others. There is a whole host of things we cannot control, but most importantly, we cannot control time. We live in fear of time running out, so we look for ways to control how we spend it, how we can have more time to do things we love, and yet more often than not, we are left feeling like time was wasted. So we learn how to control our own actions and reactions. By controlling our own actions and reactions, we can influence how we experience time. Time spent waiting in line is no longer a hassle. Sitting in traffic doesn’t need to be something to be looked upon with rage and irritation. And by making the changes on how we act and react, we can influence how present we are in the moment.

In today’s society of social media, smartphones, tablets, laptops and more, it is so easy to be sucked into technology and forget about what exists outside of it. And because society has taught us that we have to have a plan for the future, we often forget to plan for now. We’re so busy tweeting, snap chatting, loading pics on Instagram and proving to each other just how great we have it, that we forget to look up and look around us to see how things actually are. We plan our lives out – get a house by 24, married by 25, kids by 27, etc. – that we don’t know how to handle each moment as they come without a plan. So stores make millions on the sales of day planners. We plan our lives around meetings and appointments, or happy hours with friends, but when was the last time you just paused without any technology or any plan and gave thanks for what you have? When was the last time you paid attention to the beauty of flowers blooming, or how wonderful it feels when sunlight hits your skin and a spring breeze is blowing? When was the last time you stopped and enjoyed the moment you were living in as you were living it?

For me, prior to cancer, the answer to all of those questions had been far too long ago for me to remember. And it was even easier to get caught up in doctor’s appointments, and the horrible ‘hurry up and wait’ stages that come between appointments and test results. Between work, doctors, tests, and managing symptoms, when did I have time to have a life? I can assure you, checking in with friends and family over the phone or via social media is not living. I was existing at best and it took tons of therapy for me to get to the point where I am focused on trying to live again.

Because it’s so simple to lose sight of what living means in a life full of chaos – whether its work, family, friends, or health. We all get caught up in deadlines, responsibilities, bills and more. So we forget to spend time enjoying the little things. Like enjoying a fantastic cup of coffee. Or appreciating the fact that you are physically capable and legally able to drive a car (I mean how horrendous would it be to have to walk everywhere?!). Focusing on weeding a garden bed, or mowing your lawn sounds more like chores, than anything that many of us view as fun. But getting your hands dirty is a way of life. And while I can’t grow plants to save my soul, I found that digging in the dirt relaxed me more than a massage did.

Take the time out to focus on how sand feels between your toes. How great a pedicure or a manicure feels. Remember what it felt like when you could sleep until noon and then drive all night with your friends talking about anything and everything. Take a long drive just for the sake of driving. Blast your music, even if people look at you funny. Sing along to it at that top of your lungs and have the time of your life. Get some friends together and play some board games. Enjoy the company of people you are with, without the assistance of technology. Go hiking, or walking, in the park. Pay attention to the beauty that appears when the leaves change colors in the fall. Catch snowflakes on your tongue. Swim in the ocean or the lake. Give people your full attention when they talk to you, which means full eye contact and body language open and welcoming. It inspires trust and encourages good conversation. Remember how it felt to make mud pies, or play in the yard growing up and how all you needed was sunshine and a great imagination to slay your dragons and be the kings and queens of the world.

Not all of these are simple suggestions, but they are ideas of where to start. Life is focusing on the things that bring you joy. It’s about being able to lose yourself in what you are doing, without worrying about how much time is lost. It’s about making memories that will make you smile on days you feel down or alone. Life isn’t always easy and it isn’t always beautiful. But there is so much good around us, so much beauty, if we only choose to look up and see it. Enjoy the little moments because they become your memories. Enjoy the time you do have. Because it does run out. I, for one, don’t want to relive work days and doctor’s appointments at the end of my life. I want to remember the good times with friends and family, the beauty I saw, the goodness I inspired, and the happiness I felt. Make your life worth remembering.

“We’re all stories in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?”

The 11th Doctor, Doctor Who